The Great Heart Swap
by Light My Crazy Diamond
Summary: Following an unfortunate accident, Ness, Yoshi, Captain Falcon, and Samus have their hearts swapped by the Smash Mansion's resident Manaphy. Now forced to literally walk a mile in someone else's shoes, our quartet of mismatched heroes embark on a blundering, messed-up adventure to reclaim their respective souls, all the while juggling the new responsibilities of their new bodies.
1. The Government Bleeds Pineapples

"I don't think this is a good idea anymore, Ness," Yoshi whispered nervously.

"You can't change you mind now," Ness whispered back furiously as he shot his dinosaur friend a piercing glare. "We're already in the Item Vault! Besides, this was all your idea!"

"I know, I know! It's just that – well, we're stealing, aren't we? And Master Hand'll definitely notice that some of the Pokéballs are missing!"

"It's just twelve Pokéballs out of several hundreds, Yoshi. He's not going to notice a thing. And we're not _stealing_ – we're going to return them once we've had our battle!"

"I'm going out with Greninja tomorrow," Yoshi pouted as they walked down the long, dark corridors of the Item Vault. "I need my beauty sleep."

"Well, I'm not going back now. We'll take the Pokémon today and battle tomorrow, after your little date with Greninja. Then you can get your stupid beauty sleep."

Yoshi sighed, knowing that however much he protested would be futile in swaying Ness's mind, and resolved to continue walking down the corridor. As it was midnight, the entire vault was plunged in pitch black, but the two had come prepared: Ness kept an orb of PK Fire in his hand while Yoshi brought a bag of Bulb Berries, allowing him to shine a splendid glamor of gold upon ingestion. They stopped in front of the door that read "Pokéballs", and the dinosaur turned to Ness and gave him a taunting smirk. "Well, whatever then. Prepare to get your ass handed to you come tomorrow."

"Are you forgetting who won the last three matches in a row?" Ness scoffed as he pressed down on the door handle.

"I'm telling you, man – battling on the 3DS and battling in real life are two totally different things. You'll see when I 6-0 your shitty ass team – or maybe you won't, you'll probably be crying too much from getting owned too hard."

The door shut as Ness opened his mouth to snap back a reply, and at the exact same instant the entrance to the Item Vault opened to reveal Captain Falcon and Samus, the latter wielding a flashlight in her hand. The fact that there were four visitors to the vault was a rare occasion indeed, for the only time anyone ever went down to it was to do a stock check, which was never conducted in the first minute of midnight, the time at which the two bounty hunters arrived at the vault.

"Falcon," Samus was snarling as she walked quickly down the corridors which Ness and Yoshi had tread only minutes before, "for the last. Fucking. Time. This is not supposed to be a date. Stop. Fucking. _Asking_!"

"But of course it has to be a date!" Captain Falcon whined as he tried to throw himself in front of Samus's path to block her from progressing further into the vault. "You said it yourself! _Douglas Jay Falcon you are coming down to the Item Vault sharp at 12 a.m. to get back my Paralyzer_. I remember those words exactly! You can't just tell me that this is not a date!"

"Tell me, what part of any of those words makes it sound like I'm going on a date with you?"

"Oh, come on – you just want us to be alone when we make out passionately under the stars! You don't have to be such a tsundere, Samus – don't you understand that a woman is a woman, and will always need the arms of a man to keep her back straight and grope her boobs – I mean, to enamor her heart with affectionate manliness that promise super sexy fun times in bed?"

He succeeded in putting himself in front of her, just as they she was about to reach the door that led to the Pokéballs, and Samus almost felt as if she could explode from the asinine logic of Falcon that remained forever infuriating no matter how many times she was subjected to it.

"Listen up, Douglas Jay Falcon," she glowered in a low voice, though she did not run the risk of being overheard – the Item Vault was located in the Central Wing of the mansion, far away from the residential areas of the Eastern Wing, "the _only_ reason why I made you come down here with me is because it was _you_ who knocked my Paralyzer out of my hands when you tried to hug me during our match today and caused it to drop into that Gulpin's mouth. I wouldn't have called you down here if Master Hand wasn't such an unreasonable bastard and allowed me to take it when the match was over, but as he's only allowing it when the next match starts on Saturday…" The feelings of anger channeled towards Falcon momentarily switched their course and instead directed themselves towards the idiotic hand that made her life such an inconvenient hassle, and then she sighed, remembering who she was talking to. "I'm saying this again for the last time, Falcon. You're only here to help me find that Gulpin and make him retch out that Paralyzer. Make me repeat myself again and I'll be using my fists to get my message across instead of words."

And with that icy warning Samus stormed past the misogynistic racer, who turned around and stayed still for a second or two to appreciate the wonders of the bouncing flesh of her ass that strutted proudly in her Zero Suit.

"Always loved a spicy girl," Falcon whistled lowly before proceeding to dash forward and catch up with Samus as she placed her hand on the handle that would open the door to the Pokéball room.

* * *

During that time, Ness and Yoshi had been busy gathering the Pokémon they wanted for their battles. They had spent the last five minutes strolling along the shelves that lined the long walls of the room, each plank housing all the Pokéballs arranged in an alphabetical fashion. These Pokéballs contained Pokémon not only limited to the ones that appeared in all the Smash Bros. game, but also had the Pokémons that appeared in the backgrounds of the Pokémon-themed stages.

"Dibs on Lugia," Ness had said the moment they began their search.

"No legendaries allowed!" Yoshi had replied fiercely from the other shelf.

Yoshi already had four Pokéballs, stashed away safely in his secondary stomach (an organ all Yoshis had for storing ingested things); Ness had three. The psychic youngster was looking at the 'M' section, thinking of getting a Metagross for his team, when the orb of PK Fire extinguished itself – it required constant concentration as its fuel, concentration which Ness had taken away in thinking about which Pokémon he should get next. He was just about to light another ball in his hand when with a sudden _slam_ that sounded like a gun shot the door opened.

The fact that the boys were not allowed to be in the vault was perhaps the biggest reason for their extreme, startled reaction – Yoshi let out a shriek as he imagined images of a wrathful Master Hand flying towards him in a fist of rage, while Ness dropped his Pokéballs and jolted his hand from the shelf. In doing so he accidentally knocked a random Pokéball off, making the number of dropped Pokéballs equal to four as they plummeted to the floor.

"Yoshi?" cried a familiarly feminine voice. "What the hell are you doing here?"

In the lone source of light that was Yoshi's body, Ness and Yoshi could see that it was not some demonic apparition or, worse, a furious Master Hand that was at the doorway, but the mismatched duo of Captain Falcon and Samus. Before either of them could breathe a sigh of relief, however, or come up with a hasty excuse as to why they were here, a different, second source of light began flooding the room, accompanied by the familiar sound of an opening Pokéball.

Four pairs of eyes turned to where the light was pouring from. Of the four Pokéballs that Ness had dropped, only one had landed in such a way that its button was pressed against the hardness of the floor, releasing a single silhouette of what looked like a blobby water droplet into the air –

Manaphy hovered above, rubbing her eyes with her swishy arms. She gazed down, sleepy and confused, at the quartet of Smashers, all of whom stared back silently with mouths wide open. She looked around, growing even more confused as she realized that she was in a battlefield that she had never before been released in. Then it hit Manaphy, as she absorbed the sight of the countless Pokéballs resting on the shelves: her release from the Pokéball was not to make use of her service, but to free her from the eternal slumbers of the confines of the Pokéball, that the non-Pokémons that stood underneath her were the pacifists she had always dreamed would come and free her from this everlasting hell of using, again and again, the singular move she was called upon to use when she was released onto the battlefields.

She was, in other words, free.

A smile was forming on the Manaphy's face now. Oh, how she had dreamed for this moment! To return to the homely waters of the sea that was her rightful birthplace, to once again frolic in the waves and swim through the currents and feel the gentle sea breeze and taste the sublime salt of the ocean! She did a happy little backflip in the air, uttering "Manaphy! Manaphy!" of joy, and was just about to rush forth ecstatically and thank her saviors when she heard the words:

"What are you doing? Catch it! Get it back into the Pokéball!"

The Manaphy stopped instantly. She did not understand the language of the non-Pokémons all too well, but there were two sounds that she had learned to detest ever since the moment of her capture: "Catch", and "Pokéball". Immediately she floated up, up, up, until her head was bumping against the ceiling, putting herself as far away from the non-Pokémons as possible as she shuddered in a rush of betrayed understanding: That they were not here to save her, that her sudden release was all but an unexpected accident. She looked down, once again, at the monsters below her, their glow of kindness turning quickly to that of a haze of malicious intent, as the biggest, burliest one of them rushed forward, grabbed a ball from the floor, and threw it up at her –

She swerved away, hearing the clunk of the ball as it hit the part of the ceiling where she was moments before, and understood what she had to do. She stretched a wide smile as she bathed in the delicious irony of using what her capturers had forced her to learn against them. It would damage them all permanently, allowing her to make her great escape with a final note of cold revenge as she left them all to struggle with the prodigious problems of stripped identities. Quickly now, before they could aim another shot – she directed the magical energy required for the spell into her antennae. They began to move, quivering slightly at first, and then evolving into more rapid, more desperate gyrations as they shook with the force that was exclusive to the biology of the magical water within her species. A blush-colored bubble of soothing light expanded from the ends of her antennae, which were beginning to glow a brighter pink themselves. Down below, she could hear desperate yells and pleas as the monsters realized what it was that she was doing, and her grin could only widen as she exulted in their despair.

The boundary of the bubble seeped over the last individual, and the Manaphy stiffened its antennae so that they formed the shape of a U. The round balls at the tip of each antenna were glowing a bright hot pink now, and with a final surge of power the Manaphy burst the souls of Ness, Yoshi, Captain Falcon, and Samus from their bodies. The empty shells sank to their knees or hit the ground, temporarily devoid of any life as the extracted spirits took the shape of magenta, spinning, pulsating hearts. They streamed forth into the air, held temporarily in place as Manaphy decided which heart should go into whom. Then, her decision made, the hearts shot back down, each taking a different trajectory from the one it followed last, until each sunk into the corporeal body of its new master.

Her discarnate surgery complete, the Manaphy giggled and flew out of the open door, casting not a single look at the intangible destruction she had carved.

* * *

A/N: Bonus Internet cookie to anyone who can guess who will go into who!


	2. Psychological Deathtraps of Chopsticks

"Uurrrnnghhh…"

It was with this great groan of displeasure that Samus finally opened her eyes. Her head hurt massively, almost as though little people inside her skull were pounding hammers against her brain. Her vision was a blur, and she rubbed her eyes repeatedly in an effort to get the sleep out of her sight completely.

Not to mention that she was _absolutely fucking hungry as all fucking fuck_.

She groaned again as she clutched her belly tightly, which was gurgling and rumbling for food, food, or literally just about anything, screaming and hissing and squirting its gastric juices everywhere in a tantrum to have something to digest and melt with its destructive acid.

She had never woken up from sheer hunger before. External noises, the occasional nightmare (which she told no one about), or, most common of all, her body waking up on its own at the end of it natural sleep cycle. This – she did not know any better way to put it – this felt like cancer, a sick, burning cancer that ate away at the linings of her stomach, its only cure being the healing properties of – well, whatever, she wasn't picky. Something delicious, ideally. Fruits, preferably. But anything else worked.

Time to go downstairs and get some breakfast. She got up, and felt a rush of stunning wooziness overcome her head. She closed her eyes and took another breath. When she opened them again, the dizzy malaise was almost all but gone, save for a squashed semicircle of green obstructing a small part of her lower vision, something she did not notice before. What shocked her much more, however, were the sleeping, snoring bodies of Ness and Captain Falcon sprawled on the floor right in front of her.

"What the –" she gasped.

Then it all came back. The Paralyzer, the Gulpin, and above all, the nasty shock of seeing Yoshi in all his ethereal goldenness shining before her – the events of the night unfolded in one quick stroke before her memories, and she staggered, teetered, until she fell back down onto the ground, crushing her tail under her weight. She let out a yelp of pain and jumped back up, sitting down more carefully this time. Heart accelerating, she recalled the effects of a certain Pokémon that had somehow gone free, though what it did exactly she could not –

 _Tail?!_

She looked behind her immediately. Trailing off from the curves of her seated rump was a triangle of green meat, wagging slowly, nervously, before halting abruptly upon realization that it had finally been noticed.

Her brain imploded upon itself and she could suddenly think of nothing but this bestial protrusion that adorned itself like a proud tumor atop the private curves of her rear. At the same time a singular image of the Pokémon that had revealed itself the night before finally came into her mind, and Samus's jaw dropped as everything finally clicked into place and she felt the same traumatizing blow of horror that had hit her in the face when she had seen _that_ Pokémon.

 _Manaphy_. The Pokémon capable of switching the souls of any Smashers whom it subjected to its magical power –

In the sudden surge of excitement her tail began to wag uncontrollably again. "No – no – _stop_ that!" Samus shrieked as she shot her hands to grab the alien appendage and keep it in place, and then immediately recoiled in horror. Her hands and arms were of a shade of light green, of a delicate chartreuse color that contrasted sharply with the peach of her skin and the blue of her Zero Suit. Her affixed horror could only continue to grow as she noticed, suddenly, the hump of red that protruded from her sickly green back, and the tenacious curves of green that were still blocking a small region of her eyes. She knew what it was even before her hands jumped to touch it. Her hands felt her nose, now a giant, green sphere, and she could feel with her nose the touch of her hands.

Already at her breaking point, Samus looked down and let out a wail of despair. She was _naked_. She could see the skin of her entire body, all the way from her chest to her crotch, and though their white, flat, featureless qualities offered nothing that required hiding, the fact of the matter was that she was exposed wholly, like an animal, a far cry from the human philosophy of modesty and decency.

She was _naked_.

She was _Yoshi_.

And if she was Yoshi…

 _Then where was Samus_?

She felt a second panic attack assault her senses as she turned to the two bodies lying on the floor. Ness and Captain Falcon – or rather, the external shells of what appeared to be Ness and Captain Falcon – dozed peacefully before her, all too oblivious to her desperate concerns.

Her own body was nowhere in sight.

She stopped, closed her eyes, took a second to put her thoughts into order, refusing to drown in the tidal wave of panic and dread crashing onto her. From what she remembered back in the Brawl days, Manaphy appeared few and far between during the casual tournaments, but the scarce times it was summoned always caused a memorable uproar. She remembered Mario, exclaiming in a voice much higher than usual, "It's-a Pee, Pi~kachu! PIKA!" as he rustled his moustache, while the electric mouse behind tried desperately to walk on its hind legs. There was another incident involving Zelda and Kirby, which she did not watch; Zelda had stated she could now accurately describe what it must feel like to be a literal boob, and how embarrassed she was watching Kirby amble about in her body trying to inhale Wario into her comparatively small mouth.

Which meant that someone – Ness, Yoshi, or Captain Falcon – was in her body right now, walking and talking as though he was the actual she –

Samus snapped her eyes open. Well, so much for trying to calm herself down – her heart was throbbing faster than ever and her stomach was now being ravaged by a hurricane of butterflies alongside the hunger. The possibility that _he_ could be very well masquerading as her and thereby ruin her reputation forever was cause enough to devastate her much more than whatever incarnation of Ridley had ever done. She ran to the bodies of Ness and Captain Falcon – or rather, tried to run, for she was not used to this bulkier, heavier form, and ended up falling flat onto her chest and belly.

She reached forward and shook Falcon by the shoulder.

"Falcon," she urged loudly, hoping against hope that he had, somehow, escaped the clutches of Manaphy's soul swapping prowess. "Falcon, you in there? Falcon – wake up!"

Captain Falcon stirred, groaning in response to the constant rocking and noise. The shining triangles of his eyes hidden behind his visor opened up, and upon seeing the body of Yoshi, murmured murderously, "Yoshi, you fucking idiot. I'm Ness. Now fuck off."

Samus grabbed her puffy cheeks and let out another small scream as Ness, now in the body of the blue-suited racer, turned away and went back to sleep. There was only one remaining hope now, a single thread with which she desperately clung onto before she would plunge into the deepest trenches of insanity. She shuffled over to the body which looked like Ness on the surface, and repeated the same procedure, feeling as though any second now she was going to break down from the overwhelming anticipation of the worst-case scenario.

The Ness opened his eyes and looked back at the Yoshi with sleepy apathy.

"Falcon? Is that – is that you?" Samus asked hopefully.

The Ness closed his eyes. Opened them again. Close, open, close. He snorted as he inhaled, attempting to reset the pacing of his breathing to that when he was sleeping. Then his eyes shot open brutally and scurried back up, impaling Samus with a horrified stare as he registered the jolt of seeing his own face staring back at him.

"What. The. FUCK?" Yoshi screamed, jaw dropping in disbelief and horror at the apparition of his own form before him.

It was with this violent reaction that allowed Samus to complete the process of elimination and narrow the answer down to the only remaining Smasher. The world stopped turning and a blackhole of abyssal darkness gobbled up her mental wellbeing completely as she thrust her reptilian head to the ceiling and screamed:

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO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* * *

Captain Falcon sat on Samus's bed, surrounded by a chaotic mess of bras and panties. Like Samus, he, too, was naked, though the author cannot delve into significant detail of this particular anatomy lest this story acquire an M rating. The relevant bits, however, were all censored masterfully – Falcon's brand new female sex was covered by the folds of a blanket, and he was currently groping his own hot titties, saving the need for a bra to cover up.

He curled his slender fingers over the slopes of his boobs and gave them a quick, tight squeeze. Feelings of squeezing balloons of slightly-overripe fruits inundated the nerves of his fingers in an overdrive of self-pleasure: They sank, compliantly, willingly, delightfully under the gentle push of his palms and fingers, until the buried, harder stuff underneath the fats took over and fought against the abuse. When he let go, they bounced triumphantly back to their original humplicious shape and glory, allowing him to repeat the same procedure over and over again.

A trickle of blood ran down her – his left nostril.

* * *

A/N: Bonus Internet cookie to anyone who can count the number of O's in there.

No one managed to get a perfect score with regards to guessing who would go into who, so instead bonus Internet cookies for first chapter goes to Ender2142 and Smash King24 for getting 2 out of 4 correct. Seems like everyone was anticipating Falcon would go into Samus, haha.

I was going to add in some nipple play but decided it was getting a bit too... Sensual. And weird. I mean that's still a man in there right?

Speaking of which, if anyone feels this does in fact deserve an M rating, please let me know and I'll make relevant changes immediately. I personally think that it teeters on the edge of T, but... That might just be my dirty mind being used to far dirtier stuff ~.~


	3. The Irony of Wearing Roses in the Rain

"This fucking sucks," Yoshi complained as he looked down at the small, boyish palms of his new hands and wiggled his fingers.

"What are you talking about? This fucking _rocks_ ," Ness spoke in disbelieving awe as he looked down at just how much he towered over his former body. "I'm an _adult_ now. I can do whatever I want!"

"This is the worst day of my life," Samus moaned in a hollow echo. She was gradually becoming more accustomed the weight of her new body, so that she could now afford to take a few shaky steps without facing the danger and humiliation of falling over. "Of all the bodies to be stuck in and I get this beastly, untamed, naked monster – and – and –" the normally calm and collected tone that Samus adopted struck a higher octave in the voice of Yoshi as she squealed distraughtly, "– and right now, that uncultured _swine_ is walking around and making a complete fool of himself – _in my body_!"

"Who are you calling monster?" Yoshi frowned from the floor. Unlike Samus, who had more time to adjust to her new center of gravity, the dinosaur was not yet used to the comparatively lighter weight of his human friend, and was currently on his hands and knees after another failed step.

"Shut your mouth," Samus snapped as she stood up straight. The question that had been plaguing her for the agonizing ten minutes they were in the Pokéball room and coming to terms with the current situation was suddenly met with an answer that cursed at her for not thinking up of it before. Where else could Falcon satisfy his unceasing perverted desires and explore the parts of her body that he could never even once _dream_ of exploring before – here she had to close her eyes and purge her mind of gruesome images of her own body doing unimaginable things – while enjoying the simultaneous benefits of privacy and being surrounded by items that boasted of her – and now his – identity? He had her ID card, after all, and would be able to open the door just by holding the card to the scanner, without the need of a code.

"Listen up, you two," she barked as she addressed the most reincarnations of Ness and Yoshi. "I think I know – no, I _know_ where Falcon is with my body right now. Now, while I go look for him, I want you two to – what?"

For Ness, in Falcon's body, was staring at her with his jaw dropped, and though she had caught Falcon ogling her on many occasions, the sight was made far more distressing than normal by the fact that she was naked. The impression she got was that Falcon, back in his own body, was now drinking in the full view of her unclothed human form. It didn't matter if the true Douglas Jay Falcon was actually miles away and she was actually taking on the form of a Yoshi – the sight of it was enough to unnerve her and increase her insecurity significantly as she asked again, " _What_?"

"You have no idea how weird it is to see Yoshi being so _serious_ ," Ness said simply.

"Yeah, I didn't even know I had any of those frowny muscles," Yoshi uttered in awe as he gazed at the newly-discovered wonders of his own face.

"This is _serious_ , you idiots! Now listen. I am going to my room and getting Falcon – Chozo knows what he's going to do if I keep him unsupervised any longer. You two go around the mansion and look for that Manaphy. This is all your faults – if you didn't drop that Pokéball and released it, none of this would have ever happened!"

"I never would have dropped it if you two poopyheads didn't suddenly come and scared us to death," Ness replied with his arms crossed over his chest and an immature pout that exemplified Falcon's lower lip and cheekbones.

"Shut it, manchild," Samus snarled. "Now, one last thing before we get out of here." She turned to Yoshi, who had finally managed to take a single step without falling over. "Take off your clothes and give them to me. I am _not_ walking around naked."

"Oh, gladly," Yoshi said in relief as he started with the easier of the two to strip off. In two seconds Ness's shorts were around his ankles, his hot pink Teddy Bear-patterned undies exposed proudly for all to see.

"Hey!" Ness shouted in protest as Yoshi passed the shorts to Samus. "You can't just take off my clothes, man! That's _my_ body!"

"It's way too uncomfortable and hot. How can you even stand this?" Yoshi shot back in disgust as he began to pull down the waistband of Ness's underwear, to which Ness cried as he took a step forward, "Yoshi, I'm warning you –!"

"Yoshi, I won't be needing that. Keep it on," Samus frowned in agreement as she got one leg through.

"It's too stuffy," Yoshi whined again, and with a decisive pull downwards Ness's underpants, too, came off.

Samus turned from the sight immediately as she hoisted the shorts up – or tried to, for her wide girth and tail greatly impeded the shorts' ability to cover up. With an enraged roar Ness lunged at his half-naked body, tackling Yoshi to the ground immediately next to Samus. He slammed Yoshi's chest down with one strong hand while the other snatched up the pink underwear, and was trying to force it back onto his lower body – a feat made almost impossible by the fact that Yoshi was flailing around his legs, madly kicking the air inches from Ness's face and causing a certain other body part to flop around.

"Put – it – back – on – you – fuck – ing – _idiot_ –" Ness was screaming.

"You were naked in the Japanese release of your fucked up little mind! How is this any different?!" Yoshi yelled back as he kicked away Ness's hand.

"Knock it off, you stupid brats!" Samus finally cried, allowing the shorts to slip back to her legs as she rushed forward to help Ness with keeping Yoshi still.

Then the door opened.

Picture this: A grown man, on his knees as he forcefully pins a young boy down to the ground, a boy who wears nothing from his waist down. The boy, at the exact instant, has his hand outstretched and just happens to be grabbing a dinosaur by the flesh between his legs. All three look up to you, frozen, shocked, a perfect example of a Deerling caught in the headlights of your eyes as they each wear an expression of guilt that almost literally spells, "You got me good".

This is exactly what King Dedede, Bowser Jr., Lucas, and Wario were seeing as they stepped into the Pokéball room to fulfill their roles as today's inventory checkers.

"Ness is a furry?!" King Dedede yelped in surprise.

"Yoshi wears human pants?!" Bowser Jr. screamed with disgust.

"Captain Falcon's a pedophile?!" Lucas gasped in horror.

"Wahahaha! I can get off to it!" Wario roared in delight as he unzipped the fly of his pants.

"No no no! I'm not a – I mean, _Ness_ isn't a furry!" The Captain Falcon cried as he quickly used his hand to directly conceal Ness's groin.

"And I hate wearing human clothes – I mean, _Yoshi_ hates wearing human clothes!" The Ness squawked as he tried to pull down the Yoshi's pants completely.

Everyone turned to the Yoshi expectantly, who kept silent throughout all this.

"What?" he said finally. "I don't care if anyone thinks Captain Falcon's a pedophile."

* * *

A/N: Holy crap XenoBound. You're exactly right about the number of O's. How the hell did you do that?! With me it's easy cuz I have the character count in Word, but...

...Crap. Well, this is awkward. See, I gave away two Internet cookies last time because there were two people who came closest to getting the correct answer, which means that I'm one short now. I thought I gave an impossible challenge in Chapter 2, so that no one will be able to get the Internet cookie that round and thus saving me the need to bake an extra cookie...

Mmmf. I promise I'll bake one for you and give it to you the next chapter! In the meantime, Bonus Internet cookie to anyone who can guess what the name of this chapter has to do with its content!

[oh, and one last thing – there will be no more updates for the rest of February. Super sorry guys! Life's hard :(]


	4. Superstitious Mothers Turn Into Turtles

It took a greater part of the twenty minutes after they had finally emerged from the Item Vault when it would have taken only ten, but Samus finally reached the door to her room without getting into any serious accidents – though there was a dangerous instance in which she almost plummeted down three flights of stairs, her sense of balance not accustomed to the delicate act of vertical movement.

The hallway, thankfully, was deserted, preventing any eyebrows from being raised from the alien sight of dinosaur visiting hardened space warrior. The entire mansion, in fact, had been mostly empty, save for a body turning the corner here, a face popping out from a door there, the result of a gloriously crisp and fresh spring morning on a free Sunday. Good thing too, because the less Smashers tried to talk to her the better. Toon Link had been the only one to try to do so, running up to her when he caught sight of her stuffing herself into a Auto-Fire Barrel that would cut travel time to the Eastern Wing by blasting her to the hallway nearest to the Dining Hall.

"Yoshi! Wait. Got a favor to ask ya," he had called after her.

"Not now," Samus had replied with a very un-Yoshilike snarl.

"It'll just be a minute –"

"I said _not now_!"

The blast from the Barrel that sent her shooting through the automatic window was the bitter note of finality to Toon Link's rejected pleas.

She had sent Ness and Yoshi – the real Yoshi, the spiritual one – on a mission to re-capture the rogue Manaphy, once and for all, right after they had bribed King Dedede, Bowser Jr., and Lucas with coupons for free ice creams from Ness's pockets, and Wario with Captain Falcon's wallet, stuffed full with Smcash and his credit card, to keep their mouths shut about the whole ordeal. As it turned out, they were not there for a stock check, as all three of the guilty party had initially assumed, but rather because Master Hand had tasked the first four Smashers he happened to chance upon to bring him a list of Pokéballs, to determine which Pokémon should stay and which ones would be replaced by the new batch of Sun & Moon monsters soon to be released.

"You owe me a month's worth supply of ice cream," Ness had sniveled, barely keeping the tears behind his visor.

"We wouldn't have had to give it away if you didn't attack Yoshi," Samus had countered. "And how the hell do you have so many ice cream coupons, anyway?"

To which Ness had no reply.

Now. Now, she stood outside her room, fingers punching in the digits of the code that would unlock her door. The visions that had tormented her, the mental images of her body gleefully tearing through drawers and drawers of her socks and panties and bras, or else her body strutting around in nothing but heart-shaped stickers at the appropriate spots, or else her body forced into unnatural positions of erotic, orgasmic sensations…

She shook her head, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

It was as though a Space Pirate had infiltrated her room and ripped through every nook and cranny to find and kill her. The bed sheets were crumpled and strewn across the floor; every single drawer was slotted out from its cabinet, its once-immaculately arranged collection of socks and panties and bras scattered across the room in a storm of scandalous chaos; the mirror of her vanity was vandalized with mars of that disgusting shade of never-again-used grape lipstick, the table littered with generous quantities of fine, wasted face powder.

In the middle of it all, her body, naked except for a few heart-shaped stickers stuck at the appropriate spots, forced into an unnatural position with the blobs of her chest squished tantalizingly against the bed and the curves of her rear raised majestically into the air.

"Oh, hey, Yoshi!" her body greeted with sickening cheerfulness as she stood still, rendered dumb and immobile by the sheer audacity of three different impossible situations all coming true. "Nice of you to pop in! I'm practicing my twerking with Samus's body – she's gonna look super sexy hot by the time I get the muscle coordination right. Like, super-ultra-mega sexy hot." She batted her eyelids in those coy, alluring way that other women so liked to employ, and Samus noticed the hideous misuse of her midnight-velvet eye shadow as a substitute for eyeliner. Then her body winked and said, playfully, "Don't tell Samus."

Her body gave three meek, gelatinous twerks as it grunted a grunt she herself had never uttered. Then her body stopped and gave a confused frown.

"Wait a minute. How did – how did you get in here? Do you know Samus's code or something?"

Another quiver of the heart-shaped bottom, and then it hit him.

"Oh, shit," he gasped.

He recoiled in horror, pulling the blankets and covering up immediately as Samus charged forward with a Kraid scream, fist of doom raised high and blazing as it sought nothing more than to split open the flesh of Douglas Jay Falcon and spill his blood –

"Samus!"

She turned, and without thinking or even looking who it was, screamed, " _What_?!"

It was Ness and Yoshi, and for one crazy, hopeful second Samus thought they had returned with the Manaphy, the guilty creature that currently reserved the other half of her murderous intentions. Then she saw that their hands were empty, and the sinking disappointment only further exacerbated her vehemence.

"Close the fucking door!" she snarled. They obliged. "I thought I told you to go find the Manaphy!"

"We – we have something important to tell you that we just remembered," Yoshi sputtered, his knees bruised from the multiple falls he had suffered.

" _What are_ – oh, I don't have time for this!" Samus turned back around, the guillotine of her green fist raised high and imposing, ready to strike down its judgment –

"Wait!" Captain Falcon cried, grabbing a pillow and holding it up in front of his face. "Don't hit me! I – I know you're angry, and I know you want to kill me – but this is _your_ body! I can't let you ruin such a beautiful work of art, even if I'm the one in here!"

There was enough sense in his words for Samus to stop, hesitate, torn between the harm she would bring upon her own body and giving Captain Falcon a piece of her mind, and Falcon took advantage of her indecision to bound off the bed, grab Ness (who all the while was trying his best to look away), and shove the unsuspecting manchild to the general direction of the enraged dinosaur.

"Here, hit me – my body – instead!" Captain Falcon offered.

"Wha –" Ness began.

Quite unfortunately for him, Samus took the bargain. Before he knew it, his jaw was met with a devastating blow, a bullet of the purest, undistilled rage, smashing right into his chin and sending shockwaves through the bone, an eruption of pain, pain, pain, pain, pain as his head reeled back from the impact alone and slammed his brain against the walls of his skull – an occurrence that the body was far used to, but not the mind.

"Feel better?" Captain Falcon grinned.

"A little bit," Samus admitted with grudging reluctance.

"Thanks a lot, assholes," Ness groaned from the floor.

Yoshi simply stood still, gazing dumbfounded at the truly weird sights to behold.

"Cover me up, you indecent perv!" Samus shouted, scooping up the closest pile of clothes and shoving it to Falcon's chest.

"I am decent. You see?" The unwilling captain dropped the clothes he was handed and pointed to the heart stickers, one on each breast and a line of them running down his –

With a frustrated roar Samus dug a boot into Ness's stomach as he was trying to pick himself up.

"This is child abuse! Yoshi, call the cops!" the masculine manly-man screamed as he cradled his stomach and lied in a fetal, helpless position on the floor.

"Falcon, I'm warning you –" Samus seethed.

"Get the hell up, Yoshi, what the hell are you doing with my body?" Falcon cried, ignoring Samus as he forcefully pulled Ness up to his feet. "You know who you are right now?"

"I'm Ness, you fucking asswipe."

"No, you're _Captain Falcon_!" Captain Falcon shouted. "Manliest man in the entire universe, sexiest, most handsomest, devilishly-goodlooking beast to ever exist, eight-year winner _in a row_ of the F-Zero Grand Prix! I will _not_ have some immature brat walk around in my body and break down like a little bitch because daddy couldn't make a man out of you over the telephone and _ruin my entire reputation_!"

"That's a mouthful for 'perverted loser who's never gonna score with the chicks'," Ness retorted as he pulled away from the Samus's vice grip.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Falcon huffed as he gave his brand new hooters a tight little squeeze.

"That's it," Samus exhaled hotly. "Oh, you are in for it now. You perverted son of a bitch. You like being naked so much? Fine." She turned around and looked fiercely up at Ness. "Ness, take off all your clothes."

"Huh?" was his confused reply.

"We're going to teach Mr. Whorehouse here a lesson in modesty," Samus glowered as she began pulling at the gloves. "If he likes running around naked so much, then it's only fair we keep the clothes off his real body, too. Isn't that right, Douglas Jay Falcon?"

"Oh, absolutely," Falcon replied cheerfully. "Here – let me help you with my suit, don't want you accidentally tearing it –"

"What?!" Samus nearly screamed in disbelief as she watched the horrifying sight of her near-naked body snake around Falcon's to assist him in the stripping of his clothes.

"You're absolutely right, Samus. _Genius_ idea. Why should you be the only one showing off the beauties of the human body, eh? You're only half the masterpiece – now, allow me the honor of bestowing upon you the greatest work of art Nintendo has ever known –"

"Stop! I change my mind! You can keep your clothes back on!" Samus cried desperately as she tried to pull back Falcon, but to no avail: The top part of his racing suit was removed carefully, lovingly, by the tender arms of her body, revealing an anatomy sectioned with deep cuts and firm bulges, arms double-sided with sloping hills of pure muscles, chests of bulging steel barreling outwards with not a hint of a sag, stomach sliced and defined by deep lines that turned abdomen into an armor of impenetrable strength.

"You're supposed to be feeling _violated_!" Samus wailed as Falcon imparted upon his chest a loving kiss.

"I don't think you quite understand how the male psyche works, Samus," Ness said sympathetically as Captain Falcon stooped low to unbuckle the belt.

"Guys!" Yoshi shouted, so loudly that Falcon stopped his stripping and Samus stopped her tugging to look at the little boy who up to now had refused to be part of the havoc. "If you guys can shut up for five minutes, I have some very important piece of information I need to share with _you_ , Samus!"

"What could be so important for you to abandon your search to get us back into our bodies?" Samus challenged, anger rushing back from the temporary respite of a backfiring plan.

"It's – well –" Yoshi rubbed the back of his head and began twiddling with his thumbs, suddenly struck nervous and incoherent, now that he was ready to relay the news he had come to give. He drew circles with his left foot, then muttered, "I – I mean, _you_ kind of have a date with Greninja tonight. Uh. Seven p.m."

There was silence, broken only by a muffled childlike screaming of mirth trailing somewhere from outside.

"I'm not going," Samus finally snapped back.

"But you have to!" Yoshi pleaded desperately. "It's our first anniversary since we got together! You can't just not go!"

"Well, then, you better find that Manaphy quick, shouldn't you?" Samus snarled as she turned back to face the pressing issue of stopping Falcon from taking off Ness's clothes. "You better make sure you don't have any other previous engagements, or else – or else –"

For quite possibly the millionth time that day an expression of horror dawned upon Samus's face as her jaw dropped open and her eyes widened with the shocking reminder her own words had brought.

"Is – is that a yes?" Yoshi said hopefully.

"I have a party tonight," Samus echoed hollowly as she let her arms fall from Falcon. She looked up at him, the face that was a disastrous canvas of lipstick and eye shadow, and her voice cracked as she repeated, with slight alteration, " _you_ have a party tonight."

"What party?" Falcon asked, frowning as he racked the recesses of his mind, without success, for the knowledge of some party which he had surely been invited to.

"Zelda's. To commemorate the return of spring. Adults only. You weren't invited." Samus added the last bit automatically just as Falcon opened his mouth, and his unasked question answered, shut it immediately with lower lip pushed forward to form a petulant pout.

"I was telling Yoshi's got something to do, too, right about one p.m.," Ness said as he squeezed his way out from the cage of Samus's and Yoshi's bodies. "Which just leaves you, Falcon. You got something on today that you need me to do?"

"Uh…" Falcon shifted his gaze between the three, all of whom were looking at him expectantly, as though predicting an answer that would promise business, busyness, engagements and appointments that would keep Ness bound to the shoes of Captain Falcon. "Um…" Then he stood tall, straightened up his back, and pushed out his chest, causing his breasts to bounce slightly as he declared, with a confidence that seemed to project his old self even under the guise of Samus's voice, "of course! Captain Falcon's a very busy man, I'll have you know! Why, in just a couple of minutes, Ness, you'll need to – you'll need to – you'll need to do two hundred push-ups and sit-ups! Yes, very busy, very busy indeed!"

Once again, there was silence; once again, there was muffled laughter, a little bit louder and deeper than the one previous.

* * *

A/N: Sorry it took so long guys. All I can say is thank God for spring break.

To people who are requesting other heart swaps: The story's been planned out already, with these four being the main highlight of the plot. Quality, not quantity. Could there be more, of other characters? Maybe. I wouldn't get my hopes up too much, though.

Bonus Internet cookie to anyone who can guess whatever Yoshi has to do for Ness!

And sorry XenoBound, I accidentally burned yours :( I swear I'll have one ready for you next chapter, I promise!


	5. Slimy Credit Cards Beat Me Over the Head

"Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser to Master Hand's office." There was the amplified sound of a scratched mic, and then again, in the same electronic, booming voice: "Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Bowser to my office, right now."

That was the first announcement of the day as Ness, Yoshi, Captain Falcon, and Samus finalized their plan that was to take effect from the moment they left the room to the end of the day. The room was cleaner than the abhorrent state Samus had found it in when she had first stepped in, the result of the mistress's rather abusive command for the current owner of her body to tidy up, a command that even extended itself to the other two visitors to her room. With the floor free of fallen beddings, littered lipsticks, and strewn stockings, the Smashers now had ample space to sit their bottoms down and enter lengthy, heated discussions on the do's and don't's for the day, as well as to appreciate the simple but pleasing aesthetics of the room that was Samus's abode: Light, inoffensive orange-painted walls, a color almost exactly the same as that sported by her Varia Suit. The wall directly in front of the cobalt-blue desk was adorned with the latest reports issued by the Galactic Federation, atmospheric pictures of blue and violet and dusty-red planets and their pet moons, bounties of Space Pirates that were the latest targets of the great authority in the Metroid universe. Other than that, the walls were devoid of inhabitants, with the exception of a single picture of a drawing, a childish depiction of a stick-bodied, smiling girl, flanked by crudely geometric figures of what seemed to be her bird parents, all three of whom were gazing at a splendid gem of light.

Fine art, but it was nothing, at least in complexity, compared to the true masterpiece that was Samus's ceiling: Pitch-black, like the vast, infinite oceans of outer space. Because it _was_ space – when light turned to night and there was nothing but darkness, the ceiling turned into an observatory for the billions and billions of specks of stars, spheres of planets and moons, the occasional chunks of comets and asteroids that flew in their invisible orbits, all drawn with the advanced technology of Chozo paint that was invisible in the presence of light and opaque in the absence of it. She had spent six months on it, painstakingly painting on the ceiling each and every element of the photograph she had taken during one of her interstellar expeditions, a picture studied for so long that it was burned into her brain. And at the grand end of it all she could lie in her bed, every night, teleported magically to one of those sterile moments of tranquility and bliss in her Gunship, and gaze through the ceiling-turned-windshield to lose herself in the celestial wonders of a universe that had, amidst the chaos and the mayhem of its birth, created everlasting moments of art and beauty, all of which transcended the scope of space and time to impart an impression of eternity and insignificance and dread and wonder to all who looked up, up, and up.

Of course, it only worked in the hours of darkness, and Samus caught herself instinctively looking up for the seventh time, expecting stars but seeing blank white. The denied feelings of calm only further accentuated her annoyance at Ness's defiance, and she felt her long tongue free itself from her mouth in the wake of frustration.

"Why do I have to be the only one to look for the Manaphy?" he was ranting, although she had given her justification three times prior. "You and Falcon don't have anything to do until the evening, either!"

"A, because it was _you_ who caused this great heart swap in the first place," Samus snarled, stopping briefly to wipe a thick drop of dinosaur spit from her knee, "and B, because I need to lecture this buffoon here on the proper conduct and behavior of any self-respecting lady – which _he should damn well start acting like one_!" Samus added as she swatted away Falcon's arm to free what was rightfully her finger from the pit of what was rightfully her left nostril.

Falcon shrugged as he wiped against the blanket that was currently wrapped around his body as his only form of concealment, a beautiful patchwork quilt lovingly embroidered with various Morph Balls, all boasting a different color in the rainbow spectrum. "All men do it."

"You're _not_ a man now!" Samus yelled.

"Samus," Yoshi interjected, "what about me?"

"What about you?"

"I mean – what about my lecture on the proper conduct and behavior of a good dinosaur boyfriend to the ninja frog Pokémon lover of his dreams?"

"Yoshi, I _said_ we'll do it at five-thirty. Were you even listening to me?"

"I know what you said, I just don't agree with it," Yoshi said, maintaining the same level of calm as before, though he was sorely tempted to match the volume of annoyance that was clearly straining his usually-happy-go-lucky voice. "I think it's going to take a lot longer than an hour and thirty minutes for you to fully understand and comprehend my body and my relationship with Greninja. Now, according to Ness, my stuff will take about – about – how long again?"

"Two hours, tops," Ness said, wiggling his fingers inside the waxy smooth constraints of the racer's gloves.

"Which means I end at three. I – I really think we should meet then, just so you have a clear understanding of – you know, things like what to say and what not to do, so you don't accidentally offend Greninja or make her suspect something's wrong." Yoshi took a deep intake of breath. "Please?"

Samus shook her head. "Yoshi. Whatever you have to say and teach me, I can get in an hour. This – your body, whatever lovey-dovey relationship you share with Greninja – no offense, but it's all simple to me. Beasts like you and her share nowhere near the emotional and intellectual depth us humans are burdened with, trust me. Compared to what _we_ have to go through, this is a cakewalk."

Silence. He didn't know what he found worse – the implications of the words, or the careless indifference with which she had said them. For a brief instant the teenage boy hands became tight fists in the pockets where he kept them, release for the burning squirms of fury that gnawed at his tongue.

When he let go, his voice only trembled slightly. "You don't know that."

Samus smirked. "Don't I?" She bent in close, her giant nose mere inches from his, and Yoshi felt a bizarre desire to slap his own face. "Let me ask you, Yoshi. Have you ever been a woman?"

"N-no."

"Well, I have. I was one, right before you and Ness messed everything up. And guess what? I'm a Yoshi now. So trust me when I say that I know these things, way better than you ever will." She sat back up again, and, with the same tone as before, said, "I can _feel_ the difference. And let me assure you, Falcon's going to need more time to learn the intricate workings of the female sex than I am to be a simple dinosaur for a day."

Yoshi felt as though nastiness could spew from his mouth if he ever dared opened it, but was spared from the knowledge of finding out whatever he could say in response as Ness, with one look at the Metroid-themed clock on the wall, sprung up from the floor. "Yoshi, it's noon. We should get going."

"Yeah… Yeah." Yoshi swallowed, an egg of a lump passing down his throat as he, too, stood himself up, lost his balance, fell down, and stood up again, slower this time. He gave Samus a bit of a hardened stare; then, with a shrug and a sigh, felt the stiffness of the anger release from his muscles and his nerves. She probably didn't mean it the way he thought it meant. He was, in all likelihood, overthinking this. And looking at Falcon, perhaps she was even right. He seemed far more likely to royally screw up Samus's life than she was to screw up his. Perhaps it wasn't wrong, that teaching Falcon required far more time and dedication than learning from him.

As they were about to turn to leave, Falcon suddenly groaned and collapsed, chest-first, onto the floor.

"Falcon? What are you doing?" Samus said sharply as Falcon gripped his stomach through the fabric with a tight hand.

"Ooooooohhh," he groaned. "Uuuuunnnggghhhh…" He gurgled a little bit, before taking a breath to reply, "I – I'm getting cramps all of a sudden. I – I don't know why – I was feeling fine just minutes ago…" He rattled in another gulp of air, and then began blubbering, "and – and I feel so _sad_. So depressed. Like that time when I found out that Peach wasn't winking at me because she wanted to have an affair with Mario for me, but because she had dust in her eye." Another breath. Then, "Oh sweet Antonio Guster, it fucking _hurts_!"

Samus was only confused for a second. She blinked. She blinked again. Then an inkling of understanding diffused through the panic, and she looked up at the calendar. She marked today's date. She did a quick mental calculation. Then a grin began to stretch like a splitting seam across her cheeks, and within seconds she was on her back, tail wagging, as she rolled and howled with joy.

"What's happening?" Ness blurted out, he and Yoshi growing more confused by the second.

"Hahahaha _HA_!" Samus laughed until she choked, coughing violently and causing her tongue to shoot out from her mouth and slap the floor as she heaved her lungs with air. For the first time, she didn't mind the anomalies of her alien anatomy as she stilled her breathing, calmed herself down, and then rasped, with a smile so starkly different from the perpetual frown she had on the whole day, "Oh, don't – don't mind him. Fal – Falcon's about to find out why women are the stronger sex." She sat up and patted the quilted back of her former self. "Our first-time lady here is going to experience all the joys and wonders of having a period!"

Yoshi cocked his head. "I don't get it."

"What don't you get?" Samus giggled, as Falcon attempted to sit himself back up, only to retch slightly and bend over with a doubly-intensified cramp.

"Why will Falcon experience a… a punctuation mark for the first time? Doesn't he get them all the time when he's writing and stuff?"

"I don't think Falcon writes much, if you ask me," Ness chimed in.

"You get my point."

"She's not taking about that kind of period, dude."

"No, I'm not," Samus affirmed as she walked over to the dresser and opened the second row of drawers. "The period I'm talking about, Yoshi, is what we call a biological process that involves the discharge of excess uterus lining and blood, a very natural occurrence that all healthy women go through." She hummed softly as she took out an opened box of what seemed to advertise cylinders of white, soft cotton capped off with a gentle hemisphere; then, remembering that Ness and Yoshi were still in the room, she quickly wheeled around, hiding the package behind her back. She said sternly, "shouldn't you two be getting somewhere?"

Yoshi looked relieved and satisfied as Ness turned to face the door. "So it's basically like the human version of a Purge?" he quipped.

"Yeah, it – wait, what?" It was Samus's turn to be confused as her smile slowly pulled itself back into a perplexed frown. "A Purge? What's that?"

"Oh, it's basically the Yoshi version of what you just described. Yoshis eat a lot of crap – no surprise, given our appetite. So usually, once a month, our body does this automatic cleansing thing where we purge all the pollutants and toxins and other bad shit from our body. We poop out this giant, black, rotting egg." A smile began to pull the ends of his lips as he saw, to an even greater sense of satisfaction, that the smile that had previously stretched across Samus's Yoshi face was all but gone, replaced by the universal look of abject horror as lower jaw inched closer and closer to chest.

"Wh – what?" she squeaked weakly.

"Yeah, it can get pretty painful." Yoshi grinned, and, recognizing the perfect moment of revenge, turned to follow Ness out the door with closing words of dread: "Y'know, call it a crazy coincidence, but I think the day of my Purge just might be today. Hmmm. Not looking like such a cakewalk anymore, is it?"

And, with a final, ominous smirk, Yoshi closed the door behind him, leaving Samus wide-eyed and open-mouthed throughout Falcon's groans of "The pain, the pain!"

* * *

A/N: Final chapter from me for the month of March! And unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though I'll be able to post anything during the month of April, either. In other words, I'm entering a month-long hiatus :( Sorry folks, but I swear I'll make it up to everyone with lots and lots of chapters of Apple of My Eye and The Great Heart Swap during the glorious months of summer vacay!

Bonus Internet cookie to anyone who can guess when exactly in May I'll be posting the next chapter! And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the last Bonus Internet cookie. I'm planning to give it out along with the next one!


End file.
